An open letter to Suri Cruise on this, her 15 month 1st birthday:

Dear Suri,

Happy Birthday, oh glorious girl! I cannot believe it was one year ago today that your parents (that’s the tall, skinny lady with the messy hair and blank expression and the short, toothy guy with the manic laugh…just in case you weren’t sure) sent out the perfectly-timed press release welcomed you to Planet Earth. And, oh, what a year it’s been! You’re a tad young to know all this, so let me bring you up to speed:

April 18th, 2006: Amid whispers you were never going to get here (or that you already were) came word from high on Mount Cruise that you had arrived, in all your silent perfection. Funny thing, too–you share a birthday with Brooke Shields‘ little girl, Grier. And you’re not going to believe this, but you were born right down the hall from her at St. John’s Hospital in Santa Monica. Well, at least that’s what we think. See, Mommy and Daddy never actually said where you were born, rather left it up to alleged, unnamed friends (more on them later) to leak that information to the media. And leave it to your Dad, aka Maverick (check out NetFlix and you’ll get the reference), to get you and Mommy in–and out of–the hospital without a single soul seeing you. Wasn’t that clever of him?

April 20th-May 3rd: Still no sign of you or Mommy but, boy, has Daddy been making the rounds. You see, Suri, you have to understand. You were important, but Daddy’s movie, Mission Impossible III: The Hunt for Box Office Grosses, was his first baby. Now you wouldn’t want Daddy to not pay attention to that, would you? Of course you wouldn’t!

May 4th: Mommy and Daddy go to his baby’s premiere! Again, not you, the movie. Mommy tells the reporters you’re “home with friends.” Let’s hope she left you something to nosh on–babies get hungry, don’t they?

May 5th-mid-July: Boy, Mommy and Daddy really like to go out. They always say you’re “great,” but we never see you. Do you wish you knew what color the sky was? Do you get lonesome when they’re not around? Or do the nice Scientology handlers tend to you well?

July 10th: Finally, the world gets to see…your birth certificate. Maybe. See, Sur, here’s the thing. Most mommies and daddies fill out their baby’s birth certificate before they leave the hospital. It’s a kind of/sort of rule. But, because your parents were in such a hurry to get you to the Scientology Celebrity Centre home, they forgot to do that. Don’t worry, though, it’s filed now. Of course, they didn’t sign it (c’mon, hon, you know how busy they are), rather someone who listed themselves as a “friend” and whose signature was illegible did the honors. Unnamed friends sure do follow you around, little one!

Late August: Oh, Suri, good news! Rumors leak that you have, indeed, had your first big photo session and will be gracing the cover of Vanity Fair! Finally, the wait is over and the world will behold you.

September 4th: Ummm, Sur? You’re cute (sort of) and don’t get me wrong but…do Mommy or Daddy have some Asian ancestry? Just askin.’

September 5th-November 15th: Back underground, but Mommy’s been all over Europe. After all, Mommies need “me time” too, right? Don’t worry, rumor has it they’ll be taking you with them to Italy for their “wedding.” I say wedding in quotes, Sur, because Scientology? Not acknowledged in Italy, thus making their spectacular nuptials, oh, how do I say? Ah, yes: not valid. But, still, get that passport ready!

November 16th-November 18th: Hey, there you are…and without all that airbrushing. What was THAT all about anyway?

November 19th-March 10th: Oh, Suri, oh, Suri, where for art thou? Girly, you sure like to play the hermit, don’t you? Too bad you can’t teach Mommy and Daddy that trick.

March 11th: Did you enjoy your brother’s basketball game? You looked like you were having fun. Mommy and Daddy? Not so much, but hey, this is your time! And, Sur, did you ever notice you and Cousin Bill Mapother kind of look alike? Genetics (not to be confused with Dianetics)–go figure!

April 12th-present: Down in the Bayou with Mommy where she’s doing that up-til-now foreign concept of working. But, don’t fret, she’s thinking of you. Why, she even went to Target to buy you some clothes. Of course, she shops for herself at Barney’s and in Paris, but you’re one, Sur, do you really need designer duds just yet?

I told you it’s been quite the year, didn’t I? Maybe for your special day those strangers known as Mommy’s family can come see you and help you celebrate. Doesn’t that sound fun? And, who knows, perhaps you could even talk Mommy and Daddy into doing something wild and crazy, like taking you to a park or out for some fresh air.

Happy Birthday, Suri Cruise, and let’s hope the coming year finds you…well, just finds you.