Gee, there’s a newsflash. Given the amount of time we’ve seen the future ex-Mrs. Cruise spend with her glorious girl (approximately 7 days in the last year, for those keeping score, based on my wholly unscientific study), I could’ve told you that. But, ah, this is even creepier, as it involves the dreaded S word: Scientology (cue eery music).

That’s right, Maverick has decided his amazing woman isn’t such an amazing mommy and wants her to take parenting classes the cult religion offers.

“Katie was quite offended by that. Can you imagine when you’re 28 and have your first child to be told you need to go to this church to become a better mom?”

Well what did she expect? It would be like marrying (or, as I like to say, “marrying”) a butcher and thinking you never had to eat steak. Holy Xenu, Kate’s really not very bright, is she?

And, apparently, she has no one to turn to, as the Creepy Cruises’ staff is compromised totally of Scientologists. Says a source:

“Everyone who works with Tom is technically minding Katie.”

I have this image in my head of them making sure she doesn’t wander off into traffic or eat paste.

You made your bed, Kool-Aid, and now you get to sleep in it…all by your lonesome.