My day seriously would not be complete if there wasn’t a story in Creepy Cruise-land to report. Today’s edition to the ever-expanding file of weird pertains to Maverick’s desire to have his family–both blood and of the Scientology variety–with him 24 hours a day and his resistance to letting his future ex-wife spend any time alone with former-recluse-and-now-baby-about-town, Suri.

According to Janet Charlton, Katie is pissed at her amazing husband because he doesn’t let her leave the house alone with the one-year-old wonder, always insisting she take a handler with her.

She complained:

“What does he think–that I want to run away with Suri?”

No, Kate, I’m sure he’s just concerned you’d wander off into traffic or leave her in the shoe department at Barney’s when you got distracted by a pair of Jimmy Choo‘s.

To make matters worse, The Cruise-ster also just bought a new Beverly Hills mansion and plans on placing four–four, I say–Scientology minders in the guest house. Which reminds me of an old joke: How many Scientologists does it take to keep Katie Holmes in line? Answer: it’s a trick question–there can NEVER be too many Scientologists, as they’ve got to do something to work off their billion-year contracts.

Cruise-y also plans on keeping his Momma and Sister ensconced in the big house, leaving Katie no privacy. What, no John Stamos? I really think Suri could benefit by having Uncle Jesse around.