Well, I see by a quick glance at my watch it’s half past a Tomkat friend defending them to the press via People magazine o’clock. Time sure flies when you’re in damage control, doesn’t it? Because, don’t forget, mere days ago it was Jenna Elfman who drew the short Scientology straw and hit speed-dial to chat up People about what a great couple the Creepy Cruises were. Apparently, though, that wasn’t enough and now Will Smith‘s loudmouthed–and, might I add, more masculine–other half is bitching out anyone and everyone who dares to say that the future ex-Mrs. Cruise is anything but the bestest, brightest, most excellent person in the whole wide world…and possibly other solar systems, too.

Pinkett-Smith says in her press release interview that it “burns my soul” when she reads reports that Katie is Tom’s prisoner.

“I think everybody has this image: Poor little Kate, she doesn’t have the strength to take care of herself. People don’t know that behind all that grace is a tiger. I’ve witnessed it! I’ve had conversations with Kate personally where the tigress comes out of her, that fight.”

Yes, that’s so clearly evident every time we see “Kate” following Maverick around like an obedient little puppy. And, by the way, see what she did there? She made it seem like everyone thinks Holmes has “grace” and is this delicate flower, but that she’s really made of steel. Jada, hon, you’re laying it on way too thick. Why not just pull up a couch and start jumping on that, too?

JPS goes on to say that the world has it all wrong and that it’s “Kate” who wears the pants in that relationship. And while I don’t doubt Cruise-y likes to enjoy a little down time in a nice, satin peignoir and some kicky, matching mules, I don’t think that’s exactly what she meant. Or, Hell, maybe it is (now THAT’S a photo I’d love to see). Regardless, it’s hard to imagine that “Kate”–who never looks like she has enough free will to brush her hair–rules the roost. I would seriously believe Suri is an intergalactic super-being in a baby’s body sent to Earth to save us all before I bought that.

Speaking of Suri, Smith gets back on her soapbox about the marvelous marvelousness of “Kate” as a Mommy:

“Kate never asks me for mommy advice because she’s so good at it.”

I love, love, LOVE the logic leap that statement requires. Because, naturally, since “Kate” never asks Jada for advice, it follows that she is so awesome at motherhood. Because everyone knows “when you need advice on kids, go to Jada–she’s your woman.” Except she’s a man, baby…

Oh, and because no defense would be complete without a Scientology comment, Smith says that the Creepy Cruises “don’t discriminate” against non-followers of the cult religion and their philosophy is “if you’re a good person, then we can roll with you.” Well that leaves me out–Thank Xenu!