Don’t try to screw with Tom Cruise, people–you just won’t win. That’s what an extortionist found out as he pled guilty to charges of trying to milk Maverick out of $1 million for stolen wedding photos.

David Hans Schmidt “gives up the right to indictment by a grand jury and agrees to plead guilty to a single-count.”

The charges come after Schmidt’s July arrest for trying to sell Tommy a massive number of “private photos” from his wedding to his lovely beard wife, Katie Holmes, in November 2006.

Blah, blah blah, who cares about that–here’s the interesting part. When the dude first approached Maverick’s people he told them:

“It would not look good for anyone if the photographs become public.”

What is in those photos? I highly doubt–given the famewhores released so many on their own–that they’re of the happy couple being happy. Seriously, the guy has previously dealt in trying to sell x-rated pics of Jamie Foxx and Jessica Lynch and he’s all excited about wedding pictures? Something isn’t right here. Maybe the photos show the official inking of the contract where the future ex-Mrs. Cruise signs her life away or the child actor who plays Suri on the phone with her agent and donning her pageboy wig. But there’s more here than meets the eye.

Meanwhile, Tommy is talking–god help us all–about his controversial new film role in “Nazis: They Be Bad.”

“I want to think positive and concentrate on the film. I carry a great responsibility to the Germans, for whom a man like [Colonel Claus Graf Schenk von] Stauffenberg means so much.”

“And I feel this responsibility to the man himself. The more I learn about him, the greater my respect and my admiration of him.”

“Intuitively I saw a similarity in the profile of this man with myself. Naturally that’s something that makes an actor curious.”

God, you know he’s really just walking around asking anyone who will listen “does this uniform make me look fat?” and trying to figure out a way to get another scene added where he runs. Intensely.