In case you missed the memo, ’tis the season for campaigning. In Tom’s case, he’s not running for elected office (Xenu forbid), rather trying to get the public to once again embrace him in the one way he cannot live without: their box office attendance.

Yes, Tommy has a movie coming out in November–”Lions for Lambs.” And Tommy desperately needs this movie to be accepted by audiences and critics alike if he’s to still feel like the King of the World. Problem is, everyone now knows that underneath the intense stare and hyena laugh lies a total nutjob. This was proven when, despite good reviews, “Mission Impossible:3“–or as I like to call it, “MI:Couldn’t Sit Through More Than Five Minutes Of This Flick Without Fleeing in Terror”–underperformed at the box office. A blow to Tommy’s ego, to be sure. Add to that Andrew Morton is still busily working on his book about the little man–a book I hear has Tommy very, very worried, and it can mean only one thing: hit back hard.

So what does Maverick do when he wants the public to forget he’s, well, a few sandwiches short of a picnic? Play the “family man” card, that’s what. And that’s where poor Suri comes in. To illustrate not just that Tommy is a great daddy and husband (and totally heterosexual)–but also a dedicated actor–what better way than to haul out Suri and the future ex-Mrs. Cruise to come visit him on the set of his upcoming “Hitler: Bad, Me: Good” film? If Suri was smart she’d keep running as far as those 2-year-old legs could take her and get away from the Creepy Cruises. Someday, Suri–someday your real parents will come get you and the baby e-meter sessions will all be a distant–albeit horrifying and one I hope you relive in your tell-all book–memory.

I do so love the enthusiasm Stepford Wife Kate can’t even seem to fake anymore. Remember the early days of this farce relationship–when she was just as manic as her contractually obligated amazing man beau? Yeah, me neither. I’m not sure that trading that in for looking like an extra from “Night of the Living Dead” is an upgrade, though. But, don’t forget: she’s happier than she’s ever been. Uh-huh.