Remember when John Travolta was hot? Before the Scienos got a hold of him and made him put his gay in a fireproof lockbox, before the marriage to fellow Scieno, Kelly Preston, before the truly, truly frightening spray-on hair, he WAS hot. And kind of sweet.

I mourn that John. Because now look what we’re left with: a man who played a woman and looked more natural in that role than he looks walking the carpet with his wonderful wife. Who, let me just say, only looks good when compared to her animal print Peg Bundy dress of last year. Yes, she set the bar THAT low. And what’s with the bad hair? Did she not have time after helping John paint on his?