HO: “Suri! Hey, girl, happy 2nd birthday!”

Suri: “That’s today? I can never keep my calendar straight. The Cruises have been trying to get my memorization skills up to par, but, I said, ‘look, just tell me where you want me when you want me there.’ I’ve learned to be extremely flexible.”

HO: “The Cruises? You mean mommy and daddy, right?”

Suri: “Um, sure, ok–if that makes you feel more comfortable.”

HO: “So tell me–are you excited about your party? I heard you’re going to have a special day, with your grandparents coming in from Toledo.

Suri: “Is that the story that’s out there? I told them if they floated that it could be problematic. People want pictures. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last 3 years…”

HO: “But…you’re only 2.”

Suri: “Hmm? Oh, right, right, I’m 2. That’s me–2 today! Anyway, as I was saying, if there’s anything I’ve learned these last 2 years, it’s that the People magazine contingent wants photos. Photos, photos, photos. Do you know I can hear the click of a camera from a 100 yards away? Little trick I picked up.”

HO: “That’s, um, really impressive. So what exactly are you doing today?”

Suri: “Undetermined. I guess we’ll have to see what the team comes up with that sounds the most p.r.-friendly to the masses. You know what a touchy time it is right now, what with Tom’s–I mean, daddy’s movie getting pushed back until February. Let’s just say I’ve been lying low. There are two things you don’t tease daddy about: his nose-diving career and how high the lifts are in his shoes.”

HO: “Well, what about mommy? I’m sure she’s going to make your day special.”

Suri: “You know, good question. I’ll have to shoot her assistant a note and see what the plan is.”

HO: “Assistant? Can’t you just ask her yourself?”

Suri: “Huh. Would I really want to do that, though? I find we’re not quite on the same intellectual level.”

HO: “Well, you are still a toddler.”

Suri: “No, I meant…oh, nevermind.”

HO: “I’ll let you go now, Sur, but have a great day! It’s only your birthday one day a year.”

Suri: “Right. It’s just which day that’s the question.”