Tommy Cruise isn’t happy. And you know what happens when Tommy Cruise isn’t happy? People DIE! OK, not really–but you don’t want to ever upset His Royal Scienotologist’s apple cart, as that puts him in a nasty mood. The latest person to do this is Victoria Beckham–or, more precisely, her friendship with his future ex-wife, Katie Holmes. Apparently, Tommy’s unhappy that his Stepford Wife is dropping too much weight in her effort to emulate Posh. Per a source:

“Katie sees Victoria as a role model. She copies Victoria’s look and even cut her hair the same way. She is very thin largely because she is following Victoria’s strict 900-calories-a-day eating plan. She is copying Victoria’s fad of eating seaweed shakes, frozen grapes and edamame beans. She is tiny.”

Seaweed shakes? Maybe that’s why Kate’s been looking so sickly lately. It’s a cry for kelp! Thank you, I’m here all week.

But, seriously, I think the problem is less about how the wife-like unit looks and more about the Beckhams not wanting to join Scientology. Because anyone who doesn’t cave to Tommy’s hard sell of L. Ron’s teachings always seems to get excised from his life. Remember when Tom was BFFs with Jamie Foxx? Kanye West? Steven Spielberg? Where have all those friendships gone? Right into his old “they won’t give the ‘Church’ half their salary so I’m gonna pick up my toys and find a new friend” dumpster, that’s where.

Having said that, Tommy hates bad publicity (though, lord, you’d think he’d be used to it by now) so look for a Katie/Posh lunch date coming soon to a photo agency near you.