In Sunday’s New York Times, there was an article about how celebrities try to rehabilitate their careers by doing glossy magazine spreads. One of the focal points of the piece was La Lohan and commentary about how she’s trying to parlay an upcoming cover for Harper’s Bazaar to get her back into the good books of movie producers. One of the Hollywood types interviewed for the story was Robert Green, one of the executive producers of “Mad Money.” He said Lindsay had been considered for the film, but the idea was moot, as she was not insurable at the time because her off-camera behavior had become so erratic. Now, ya ready? Here’s the kicker, from Green:

“I told myself, O.K., let’s call Katie Holmes. She may have a weird personal life, but nobody thinks she’s not going to show up on time.”

Bwah! I love that quote so much I want to call it amazing and give it a Black Amex with a six-figure limit and an Armani wardrobe. This needs to be stitched on a sampler and sent to Katie for her wedding anniversary. An anniversary she’d never be celebrating if, as rumor has it (a rumor newly confirmed by an ex-Scientologist), any of Tommy’s other choices for the role of Mrs. Movie Star had taken him up on his offer. In a way, the phrase “always a bridesmaid” kind of weirdly still applies, doesn’t it?

So, just to be clear: Kate Cruise Holmes, wife of Mr. Studio Executive, was only cast as the third lead in a crappy comedy that didn’t even have major studio backing because they couldn’t hire the uninsurable Lilo and at least Katie would be punctual? That totally reminds me of “The Brady Bunch” episode when Greg got cast as Johnny Bravo because he fit the jacket the record company already had made.

Thanks to Cherry for the heads up!

Here’s the Zombie accompanying Maverick to his “Lions for Lambs” premiere in Berlin. Note the poor posture, the too big bodice of her glittery prom dress that looks like it’s made out of leftover material from Xenu’s spaceship, the dead, dead eyes. Always the eyes tell the story. Deals with the devil rarely work out–that’s what Kate is coming to find out. Not too bright, that one.

But, I digress. Anyway, her rep has confirmed The Vapid One isn’t pregnant, though she talks about it all the time. Per a “family friend” (in other words, Maverick disguising his voice):

“She talks about it a lot. But I do not know when exactly they plan to have another baby.”

I bet the talk goes something like this: “I wonder if I’ll be allowed to be conscious this time…the procedure really is quick and afterwards Tom lets me go shopping.”

Allegedly.

But, for now, Mrs. Cruise is happy with her Suri-Bot, calling the three-year-old eighteen-month old her “best girlfriend.” Hmmm…yeah, I’d say their intelligence level is about the same.

Regardless, I’ll say something relatively nice: she doesn’t look bad. Of course, black on black with a black trenchcoat and black sunglasses really isn’t a difficult look to pull off–but points for actually brushing her hair! However, it must be said: Katie, sweetie, dear…you are not Jackie O. No matter how much you dreamed about being Jackie O. as a child (when you weren’t dreaming about being Mrs. Cruise), it’s not working. Though thank sweet Xenu you remembered to cover up your dead eyes of doom. Last time I looked into them I was blind for a week.

Says a friend (which right there makes me question the story, seeing as Katie doesn’t have friends anymore–she traded those in for her nifty Black Amex):

“She’s been training for months, in both L.A. and Berlin. Katie is determined to complete the race; she’s as fit and toned as ever.”

If by fit and toned, you mean exhausted, pale, and appearing on the verge of a nervous breakdown, then right on, she’s toned–though, I confess: I thought the gaunt, flat-chested physique she’s been sporting was for Tommy.

Katie’s rep would neither confirm nor deny, but the magazine alleges the couple’s crack security team is investigating what safety measures would be required if Mrs. Cruise decides to run. Because she’s like the President or something. I think it’s more like Tom needs to make sure she won’t escape or veer off the race route into oncoming traffic.

Here’s the future ex-Mrs. Cruise cruising Armani Jr. in Milan. No, she hasn’t gotten that skinny…yet. Apparently, she’s shopping for her high princess, Suri–who, blessedly, was given the weekend off and isn’t with Mommy Dearest. No, instead Kate is accompanied by Roberta Armani, Giorgio’s niece and another “dear friend” she acquired when she signed up with Maverick. Surprisingly (or not), Mrs. Cruise chose Italy rather than jetting to Paris for Fashion Week and Posh. Is there trouble with that “friendship?” Could it be that Posh, already teetering on the cusp of irrelevance in the States, is cutting her losses with the unliked Katie? I think…possibly. Victoria might not be very bright, but she is savvy with her p.r. moves.

Regardless, Kate’s killing time in Italy while her amazing husband continues to hang in Berlin and shoot his Hitler movie. It was originally titled “Valkyrie” but has had a change of name to “Rubicon.” Honestly, it might as well be called “The Movie I Will Never See,” as that sums it up nicely. Poor Kate–she doesn’t have a choice. Maybe that’s why she’s so blue.

David Hans Schmidt “gives up the right to indictment by a grand jury and agrees to plead guilty to a single-count.”

The charges come after Schmidt’s July arrest for trying to sell Tommy a massive number of “private photos” from his wedding to his lovely beard wife, Katie Holmes, in November 2006.

Blah, blah blah, who cares about that–here’s the interesting part. When the dude first approached Maverick’s people he told them:

“It would not look good for anyone if the photographs become public.”

What is in those photos? I highly doubt–given the famewhores released so many on their own–that they’re of the happy couple being happy. Seriously, the guy has previously dealt in trying to sell x-rated pics of Jamie Foxx and Jessica Lynch and he’s all excited about wedding pictures? Something isn’t right here. Maybe the photos show the official inking of the contract where the future ex-Mrs. Cruise signs her life away or the child actor who plays Suri on the phone with her agent and donning her pageboy wig. But there’s more here than meets the eye.

Meanwhile, Tommy is talking–god help us all–about his controversial new film role in “Nazis: They Be Bad.”

“I want to think positive and concentrate on the film. I carry a great responsibility to the Germans, for whom a man like [Colonel Claus Graf Schenk von] Stauffenberg means so much.”

“And I feel this responsibility to the man himself. The more I learn about him, the greater my respect and my admiration of him.”

“Intuitively I saw a similarity in the profile of this man with myself. Naturally that’s something that makes an actor curious.”

God, you know he’s really just walking around asking anyone who will listen “does this uniform make me look fat?” and trying to figure out a way to get another scene added where he runs. Intensely.

1. Professional photo-shoots always have at least one wardrobe change and, make no mistake about it, this little Paris jaunt was a p.r. stunt of the first degree, and

2. The future ex-Mrs. Cruise fell earlier in the day and scraped her knee, thus speeding up the “let’s go change into our second set of designer outfits” schedule. Photos of the fall can be seen here. Accidents do happen, but you know what increases their chances? Morons wearing five-inch hooker heels to walk around Paris while toting a two-year-old sixteen month old. Didn’t we crucify Britney for a similar incident?

So, to recap: one day, two wardrobes, dozens of photos and back to Maverick. Just a day in the “fabulous” life of Katie Holmes and Suri “I didn’t sign up for this” Cruise.

At the tender age of two fifteen months, Suri Cruise already has gotten that lesson. Here she is on Saturday with the future ex-Mrs. Cruise at a Berlin shopping center. Geez, the kid looks like a life-size doll, that’s how passed out she is. I guess leaving her home wasn’t an option? It’s not like The Vapid One has a problem leaving her child, as was evidenced last week when she booked out of Germany all by her lonesome. But Suri wants to sleep and it’s time to go shopping? Gotta love those priorities.

Then, on Sunday, Maverick had to get in on that press action and the whole family went to the Berlin Zoo. At least, for a change, it was someplace Suri could appreciate. Too bad that wasn’t the main reason for the trip.

Mmm, don’t you just love the way Tommy’s hand is gripping Katie-kins neck? I like a man who exerts that force. Way to show her who’s in charge, Cruise-ster! Always leave her thinking “Is he going to snap my neck?” That’s so hot!

So, let’s see: Suri’s summer trip to Europe thus far has consisted of walking around a muddy field, walking down a busy Berlin street, and being scared to death in the Mediterranean sea because her parents don’t seem to realize, or care, that she’s scared to death. Good job there, Creepy Cruises.